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Friday, August 17, 2012

What's In a Number?

17 - August 17, the day I gave birth to you.
17 - My age at your birth.
14 - The number of years since your birth.
14 - The number of years you've been gone.
13 - The number of birthday cakes I've eaten without you.
13 - The number of years I've had a tattoo for you.
9 - Decemeber 9th, your due date.
7 and 21 - The number of hours and minutes you were alive.
0 - The number of minutes I held you while you were breathing.
∞ - The number of minutes you will be in my heart.

Dear Adrian,

You are my first born and will always be the first man who stole my heart.  I love you forever and always and I just hope you know it.  I hope you are having the time of your life with your Great Uncle Russell, Great Aunt Ann, Great Mamaw and Great Papaw.  You touched so many lives in such a short time and changed the lives of some of us forever.  Our lives were never the same now that you're gone.  I hope now that you are playing in Heaven that you look down and are proud of me and know that I would have been the best mother that I could have been.  I pray that you know how much I love you and that you know that your sister and brother are in NO way a replacement for you.  You ARE my son, my first born, and the son I buried.  In life your children are supposed to bury you, not the other way around and I felt cheated that I didn't get to know you other than all the kicks and punches inside my stomach.  But I know at the age of 17 and you arriving 15 weeks early, I wasn't prepared for all of the complications that we would face as a mom and son.  God looked down and said, "it's ok, I got him."  You took your last breath at 1:45 pm at Huntsville Hospital, closed your eyes and went to Heaven to be taken care of, to play without breathing tubes and without complications.  You went to be a boy, a child, with your TRUE father.  It's still hard all these years later, but I know it's for the better. I know you are good and safe.  So, today will make my 13th cake without you and I will sit under the oak tree at your grave and look up and know you see me and know your happy.  Please don't be sad for mommy even though I'm crying, I'm crying because I miss you and it's natural.  I'm also crying because you're happy.  Please know I love you!

Your mom,

crib card from Helen Keller Hospital
card that was placed in the incubator for his trip to Huntsville
Keller Hospital gave me his bracelets and some of his hair
his bracelet from Huntsville Hospital that was cut off after he passed away
a card from Huntsville Hospital
inside the card...


  1. That is so sad. I'm so very sorry for your loss.

    1. Thank you. Today has been hard, but typing that and letting the tears fall helped.

  2. Gave me goosebumps.Well written tribute to your little man.

  3. oh Tricia, I'm totally crying here! I'm so sorry! {{hugs}}

    1. Thank you SO much! Totally has been really hard! It's a good thing I picked up my AJ's cake for tomorrow's party, it's so cute and helped me smile! He turns 2 tomorrow and it will definitely help my emotions, but it's like going from extremely low to extremely high and back again.

  4. What a sad tribute to your son, it's hard on days we reflect such as what you've just shared. Talking about it often helps ease some of the pain, I am very sorry for your loss. It's good you have little treasures to hold close.

    Stopping by via the Lovin the Readers Hop. I have followed you in all the social networks we have in common.

    1. Thank you for your kind words and I have followed you back in every one that alerted me.

  5. Heartbreaking! I'm so sorry for your loss.

    I'm following you from the Friday Blog Hop and would love a GFC follow back as well as for you to join in the Weekend Blog Walk blog hop at http://www.athometake2.com. We've got a great group of bloggers linking up every weekend.

  6. What loving, touching, sweet post. A moving tribute to your son.

  7. Hi Tricia! How very, very sad! The little hand prints are the hardest part, because they are so perfect and yet that little life couldn't stay and play with his mommy. Thank you for sharing. I'm now going to read about the birthday party for A.J. God bless!

    Tina - mom of 4

  8. So sad, and yet so sweet Tricia. Hope you are doing well during this time of reflection. {{{hugs}}}


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